When your life and actions radically change to the point you don't recognize yourself!

Who are you and what have you done with Esther?!?!?!  It was a question that was long overdue for asking but didn't surface until I found myself spotting a very large roach and, without thinking of the potential hazards of missing, grabbing the nearest object (which happened to be a oversized, pasteboard coaster) and slamming it down on the roach as it crawled across the recycle bin.  This from the girl who would run screaming out of the room if she even heard, or thought she heard, one crawling in the corner of said room.  I HATE roaches.  I mean, what is their purpose?? Why do they exist?? Did Noah really capture two and take them on the ark, or did they stowaway in a food basket and wait til all the water subsided before disembarking and populating the earth with their grossness?? These are the questions that I ask about these creatures.  I'd much rather see a mouse than a roach!! UGH (shudder). Granted, as I got older I had managed to gain the ability to swing at them with a looooong handled broom in hopes of killing them without hearing the crunch of their exoskeleton, and with a clear exit strategy in case I missed and they flew at me.  And I even managed, on one occasion, (not too long before the above incident) to stomp on one that I saw on the porch.  Granted, I was wearing shoes, (shocking, I know) ok, flip flops, and I screamed really loudly as I did it (in order not to hear the crunch), and technically it was far away from me (I'm 5"04") but it was pre-meditated, since there wasn't anything closer, 'cause I definitely wanted to keep it from coming in the house thereby denying it the ability to bother me later.  But neither of those shocked me or ellicited a "pause for thought" moment like the pasteboard coaster slaying did.   So what was it about that event that was so pivotal in my realization of how much I had changed over the course of the last 10 months??

As I'm writing, I'm thinking of all the other "odd", uncharacteristic things I had done prior to that night. (Beyond those mentioned in previous posts.) The first one that comes to mind is offering a room in my house to a non-family member, a girl I had just met in fact, that was in need of housing that was close to her jobs and school.  That's crazy....stay the night??  Sure... Stay the week?? Maybe... Move in indefinitely.?? not on your life...  This is my house, my space, my haven, mine, mine, MINE!!!!  I sounded like the seagulls in "Finding Nemo"!  But, I offered, she accepted, and it worked out fine.  (Having one guest was just the warm-up act!!!)

The second event that should have triggered this "HUH???" response was probably waking up at 4:30 AM and heading into the kitchen to cook, with a big smile on my face no less, because I was wide awake!!  What?!??!  This from the girl who rarely got out of bed before 9 and definitely moaned and groaned if she had to get up before the sun, who refused to do anything work related before she had coffee and time to read the comics and complete ALL the puzzles, and who adamantly refused to schedule lessons before 10AM during the summer and told the parents who requested that time that it was EARLY!!  (I now wake up at 5AM M-F to work the breakfast shift at St. Joseph's Diner)

Even my rational response to a situation that was uncomfortable and would have normally resulted in a bad reaction from me, didn't raise my eyebrows the way the roach anihilation had.  So what was it about it that made it such a pivotal moment in my awareness that I was in a very different, much better place, than the previous year? (Well, maybe some of my friends might disagree with me that achieving roach killing ability, while remaining calm, is an improvement!!)  I was aware of changes happening in my life, (Read the "He restores my soul" blog post) and I was very thankful for them. But none of them shocked me that profoundly.  I guess since my disdain and disgust for roaches was rooted in childhood traumatic encounters with them, I expected to always react in the same way when I saw or heard one.  It wasn't something I had ever brought before God to "take away" so the different reaction caught me by surprise. I'm not sure why I'm surprised when God moves unexpectedly in my life but I am. Let me explain using "previous me" (before the Psalms challenge) and "present me" (after the Psalms challenge).

The previous me had been struggling with a failing marriage and divorce and health issues that resulted in a gluten free diet, all while maintaing a busy teaching schedule in an effort to not think about the first traumatic event listed. I was easily angered and had a hard time maintaining self control when I felt I had no control over events in my life.  The present me had adjusted well to the gluten free diet and had even survived 5 months of a modified paleo diet.  (I had also had almost a full year of meditating on and singing the Psalms). I was 9 months into a sabbatical from teaching and I had started running again, and I was feeling better about life in general.  Upon further reflection, I remember that I had made a conscious decision to remove all processed foods (especially those with preservatives) from my diet when I embarked on the modified paleo diet experiment. I had already experienced a new sense of contentment and an awareness of Him restoring my soul, so, I concluded that it was another level of HIM making Psalm 23 real to me.  Specifically, verse 4 - "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for YOU are with me."  I mean walking by a trash bin and seeing a roach (an evil thing) is equivalent to "the valley of the shadow of death" isn't it?? and here I was, not fearing the evil thing because I knew HE was with me and therefore, I could kill it!!  I think the "YOU are with me" , for me, is the most significant part.  I was assimilating all the lessons HE had been teaching me through this new phase of my life and was finally starting to rest in the knowledge that HE was in the boat with me, and we were indeed going to get to the other side!  (See my previous post from July)

Like most ongoing lessons in my life, I'm always drawn back to the time when I was on dialysis and reflect on how GOD has worked and continues to work in my life.  This time was no different and I remembered how HE had directed me to improve my diet through changing my liquid intake and transitioning me from drinking only Dr. Pepper to drinking only water all in preparation for the kidney transplant I had no idea was in the future.  This time, HE presented a change in my "spiritual water" using the Psalms, 9 in song form, that I could use for meditation and reflection. (He renews our mind through the washing of the water of the word.)  And, I had gone the "food as medicine" route rather than Doctor prescribed medicine to manage my rheumatoid arthritis symptoms which resulted in an improvement in my nutrition level which, in hindsight led to better health and more energy to manage the schedule HE was about to give me.  I had no idea I was going to be working with a non-profit that provided breakfast to the street people and that my shift would start at 5AM!!  HE did.  I had no idea that HE would present the opportunity to offer housing to 5 young people who had aged out of foster care and were, for different reasons, trying to survive on the streets.  HE did.  I had no idea that I would experience an extended period of chronic insomnia and an irritating skin condition.  HE did.  He knew all these circumstances before I was aware of the possibility of them, and in HIS mercy prepared me physically and spiritually before hand.  Despite these challenges, I can honestly say that "It is well with my soul" and I can rest knowing that "He will never leave me nor forsake me."

In conclusion, I continue to stand in awe of the grace HE's extended to me to trust that we will get to the other side, even though I don't know where that is, or when that is.  And, I can honestly say that roaches no longer carry an "ick" factor for me, although I won't go out of my way to kill them, will probably never apply for a job as an exterminator, and will still wonder why they were allowed to survive the flood!!

The Psalms Project

As mentioned in a previous post, I began setting the Psalms to music shortly after we began memorizing a Psalm a month at church. Some of the songs were easy to set to music, while others posed specific challenges, either due to meter and rhyme scheme, structure, or the awareness of that specific Psalm already set to music.  For example, Psalm 23, has a famous setting, often sung for weddings and at church, and Keith Green had his own version in the late 80's.  So, I really wanted to be able to sing that one with an original melody and thankfully I was able to come up with an interesting chord progression that fit with the sections of the song.

Singing of the Psalms has been very therapeutic for me, and I am reminded of how easy it is to memorize large portions of scripture when it is set to music.  There have been many times over the last 9 months that songs from the musicals were looping through my thoughts, and I was able to "change the station" by beginning to sing a Psalm. Other times I've awoken in the middle of the night with one of them humming in the background of my dreams. There have also been the occasions where I have been in a stressful situation and there the melodies and words were to bring strength and comfort to my soul.  One of the dearest discoveries of this project has been the last two lines of the Psalms that I have studied.  So often we reflect on the first part since that is what gets read first and repeated over and over when we are memorizing.  As I was working on timing, chord changes, and format, I began to notice the last sentence of the song and reflect on those words.

Psalm 1; The Lord knows the way of the righteous

Psalm 2: Blessed are all those who put their trust in you

Psalm 3: Salvation belongs to the Lord, your blessing is upon your people.

Psalm 4: For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety

and Psalm 23: Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD, forever.

There's another verse that says, "Let the word of GOD dwell richly in your heart."

So the reason that the Psalms have been therapeutic is that in singing them, I have been able to reflect on the words, the promises, the hope woven into the fabric of each line, that GOD cares, HE sees me, He's watching over me, and HE has a hope and a future planned for me.  And with that reflection, the word began to dwell richly in my heart and I can see and feel HIS love melting away the heart of stone, the fear of the unknown, the need to be in control of my future, my desire for my way and how I think that should look, and my tendency to get a glimpse of what GOD is doing, and then run with it without letting it come to pass in HIS time.

In looking at me, my soul, and how GOD created me, I have finally been able to acknowledge what are the activities that bring joy to my heart and allow me to be most satisfied in HIM that HE might be most glorified in me.  I finally was able to verbalize my desire to make a living playing music so that I could run the cafe and eventually the kitchen restaurant on the side without having to draw a salary or worry about it being profitable. Looking at my calendar for the next 6 weeks and the activities I've had the last few days, I see that desire being fulfilled and joy floods my soul.  There's a difference in my heart and in my well-being, a new sensation, one that comes from viewing life and circumstances from a place of contentment instead of anxiousness.

In looking at Psalm 23 in my bible, I see notes from 9 years ago, in which I have the first 2 verses circled and a comment "yes, Lord" written on the side with the date.  This indicates that I was agreeing with the scripture and wanting to see it in my life.  I think in '04 my soul was being restored from the bruises and scars of childhood.  Now, that restoration is going deeper in that I am breathing deeply of HIS love and feeling a contentment that I have not experienced.   I can truly, honestly say that "the LORD IS my shepherd; I shall not want." 

No, I haven't arrived.  Yes, there are things I want to do and see. Yes, there are still things in my life that I wrestle against. Yes, there are quite a few details that have not been sorted out, and I can't "see" how or when they will come to pass.  But, I know they will. I know that GOD is working in me to do and to will for HIS good pleasure. So, I wrestle in HIS strength, because HE's with me, not in mine.  So, no, it's not the contentment that comes from a job well done, or accomplishing something. That's not the kind of contentment I'm experiencing.  It's the absence of dissatisfaction, replaced by serenity, and the firm conviction that God is a good GOD and has a hope and a future planned for me. Jeremiah 29:11  It's the living awareness of the truth in the words of the song, "All I have needed, thy hands have provided, Great is thy faithfulness, O Lord, to me."  I can wait because HE has shown Himself faithful and true. I can trust because HE's trustworthy. I can be at peace because..

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, All the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD, forever."